a “bride to be” listener named karen emailed me after yesterday’s show asking for some “pre-marital” advice for sustaining a marriage.
i was thrilled because the past couple of days there had been some controversy surrounding my “marital” advice. ..and by controversy i mean some people were quite agitated with my recommending to an unhappily married woman that she go get her freak on elsewhere!
i suggested this method of self care after she told me she’d been in not just a sexless marriage for 4 years, but an intimate free marriage for 4 years (4 years of an 8 year marriage!). this woman had tried to work on it with her husband but he was not looking to fix it.
she had spent 4 years not being touched by a man who may have been touching someone else (according to her). and she was tired of feeling unwanted and unloved.
my hunch was and is that if someone else made her feel good, it would do wonders for her self esteem and maybe that would give her the strength to move on from the marriage that was not, infact, a marriage anymore.
this advice i gave was not disregarding the marital vows…in my mind the marital vows had already been disregarded and discarded by her husband. he wasn’t being a husband to her, based on her assertion, in any way.

the onslaught of criticism i received was fascinating. and understandable.
as one listener who called in yesterday reminded me: often people react strongly to something said when it resonates with them in some way OR implicates them in another.  some of the women listening may not be having sex with their husbands… and perhaps they felt i was authorizing their husbands to stray.
i was not.
i was just responding to the specific woman who called in.

i know marriage is not easy. even the BEST marriage isn’t easy. and i do not believe when the going gets tough, the tough should go fuck someone else. of course not.
but if day in and day out, and year in and year out there is no touching. of any sort. then i wouldn’t blame the untouched for finding relief elsewhere.

karen, the bride to be, emailed me the following:

“…Listening to your show today made me realize how many marriages change for the worse as the years go by, as children come, as things get busy and so on. Do you have any advice for me? I want so badly to have a beautiful life with my fiance, to always feel loved, accepted and happy. I also want to be able to give the same to him always. I know that life will get hard and there will be challenges but what can I do to never let it get to the point where one of us wants to walk away or where we don’t even want to touch each other anymore?…”

karen,
i’ve no crystal ball. and i’m constantly learning about my own marriage and what will keep it going strong. but i can tell you what i’ve found so far that has been helpful.

1. be honest with eachother always, but hurtful with eachother never.
chances are you will have a hard time following this recommendation to the letter but the trying is what  matters. sometimes honesty will hurt. and so sometimes in a marriage we aren’t truthful so as to not hurt. and on occasion i believe that is ok. no! not ok to lie about something that matters, but withholding how ugly a tshirt is if he’s so happy wearing it will only hurt you…because he’s wearing it!
and sometimes we have to hurt because it will protect whom we love. and in that case, yeah, the hurt may be necessary.

2.  take the good and leave the rest. and put way more emphasis mentally on the good!
we fall in love. and during that fall we see our boys/men as perfectly amazing creatures. their flaws are darling and quirky…only to become just flaws down the road.
remember the darling and the quirky. the way youd want him to remember your boobs when they weren’t yet saggy.
when he’s making you crazy (and not in a good way!) remind yourself of the way he comforted you early on. remind yourself of how safe you felt with him. remind yourself of how much you laughed and how his love for you made you feel like you could do anything.

3. he’s no better than you. and you are no better than he.
if you want your marriage to work, you better feel damn lucky he’s yours. and he ought to feel the same way. both of you won the prize by winning each other.

4. let him be him. encourage him to grow. and he ought to encourage you to do the same.  you will be a different girl years from now. he will be a different man. embrace the differences that happen naturally with time. and relish what stays the same.
it is true that almost nothing ever happens according to plan. know that. accept it. and you’ll be ok.

5. bad things will happen during your marriage. and good things! how you deal with them is what matters. laugh as much as you can. even when it may be inappropriate.  never disregard one another during rough times.  lean on eachother.  and be extra tolerant.
in 16 years of being together, keith and i  had 2 children, lost my mom to cancer, watched my mother in law beat it, gained a step mother, gained and lost too many pounds to count (mostly mine!), had great career successes, had some career failures, big money, no money, depression, ecstasy, arguments, and boredom galore.
and neither one of us has ever threatened to leave.

doesnt mean neither one of us has NEVER thought about leaving…
but neither one of us wants to. we consistently choose to be married.
which may be my most important piece of advice:

6. marriage is a choice. and to stay married requires the decision to constantly make that choice. and making that choice on a constant basis means sometimes doing what we don’t want to do. getting naked when we want to be clothed. watching things on television we don’t want to see. having dinner with people we don’t adore and staying home when wed rather trip the light fantastic.
it also means ending an argument sometimes just because what’s the point of continuing it.

my keithy and i love eachother. profoundly. and we still touch after 16 years. and some days i want to run away to be anywhere but here.
but i am always glad that i don’t.

xo
jenny

ps: every bride to be and married person should read iris krasnow’s ” the secret lives of wives“… lots of tremendous insight.

im used to some snarky comments being left for me on my blog. usually i post them and laugh them off. but today im addressing two from the same person (ann) on the same day (today)  from the same ip address.

i feel it best to do it here. on my blog. as part of my blog.

ANN:
that’s it. i’ve had it. 1 hour shows and still no time to blog. no job, still no blog time. kids in school, still no blog time. house cleaner hired, still no blog time. Garder, check, still no blog time.

The days must be nothing but ‘me time’ to work on cellulite instead of sharpening your brain at least.

ME:
hey ann, lucky day for you that i am pms and happy to respond.
you may think i have hours to while away doing things like hiring a house cleaner and wearing a garder (you mean garter?!) but
here’s a breakdown of today which is similar in schedule to many days…though many days there are additional tasks like the grocery store, doctors or dentists appointments, project supplies errands (like yesterday when i had to drive around for a couple of hours gathering things immediately after i had gotten home), and driving kids to after school activities every day but friday…
i social network plenty throughout the days as well. all part of my job.

5:50am up.
6:00am on the treadmill to work on my heart, my legs, my ass (i do the treadmill on an incline), and my brain- because regular physical exercise has been shown to help brain function as well as other parts of the body. sadly ann, NOTHING will help cellulite.
7:00am wake my kids.
7:10am leave the house to get a few things kids needed for school and while i was at it i picked up a dunkin donuts coffee for ME.
7:30am back home with stuff for kids now placed in my husband’s car because although most days i take them to school, today he took them because i had to leave for work extra early.
7:30am with my kids before they go to school. offer them breakfast which they did not eat.  brush my 11 year olds hair (because she lets me!) and roll her sleeves for her (she’s very hip!)
7:45am shower and get ready to get to work by 10 because of pretape.
8:30am in car to drive to nyc for 10am pretape for a show.
9:50am arrive for pretape. pee. talk to coworkers. sit in communal lobby area because i do not yet have a usable office with a usable computer at a reasonable time. will have that by end of next week.
10:00am talk to coworker about a specific issue. talk to another coworker’s wife.
10:20am pretape happens and is terrrific.
11:20am with covino and rich in studio watching and listening to mark cuban. was cool. so cool.
12:00pm probably went to pee again and then wound up back in communal lobby area where i ate the food i had brought from home (some chicken, some spinach and some gluten free pasta (not sure why i am having gluten free but it was yummy)).
12:15pm talk to other coworkers about other business and prep today’s radio show with radio sean ryan.
1:00pm go on the air.
2:00pm go off the air.
2:05pm run out of the building to get my car so i could drive to school to pick up my kids.
2:15pm make two business calls (hands free) on the way to school.
3:30pm get to school.
4:00pm get home with kids.
4:55pm undressed and just sat down to blog.
haven’t figured out dinner yet.

one of my two kids is now with a friend. and the other is with me.
my husband is not yet home from work.
maybe my daughter and i will go out for a manicure.
maybe i will relax/rot in my bed with her.

this day (every day) may seem like it is one hour of work to YOU but to me… well, i feel busy.  and blogging happens when it can. for instance, i make videos while exercising or cooking or hanging because it is, in a way, multitasking.  that is a blog.

re my brain activities… i do read ann. sometimes smut (fun!) sometimes more challenging material. oh and i play words with friends whenever i can. i love that game and it makes me think.

re my house cleaner… thankfully i do have one. i am a working mother. have been for 7 years… and that is extremely helpful to have. but dont think for a minute that i can just devote my life to me… yeesh. ive got bills to pay, papers to get through. kids to raise, a husband to love. and yes a blog to maintain. and frankly, i am ok with how i am doing all of it.
your choice to be here or not.